Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
