wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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