don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
