he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
