I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
