My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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