Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
