I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
