No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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