what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I understand Curling. That high.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
