Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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