just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize