dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
