i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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