I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
