I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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