I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
