there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
