im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
