I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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