I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
