So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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