this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
