dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
