I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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