Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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