I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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