I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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