She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
