Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
