I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
