I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
