I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
