i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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