Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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