Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
