I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
