we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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