I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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