we have pet lesbian snakes
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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