Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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