Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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