The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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