Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
