it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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