one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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