Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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