Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
