"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
