I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
