the new term for farting is butt boxing.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
