Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
