Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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