I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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