I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
