If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
